20 Jokes for Smartasses

Years ago I cracked up after seeing “Heisenburg may have been here” scrawled on a wall. My friends all looked at me strangely. They’re going to look at me more strangely now …

  1. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

2. “Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?”

2. Two women walk into a bar and talk about the Bechdel test.

4. Fibonacci is as easy as 1, 1, 2, 3…

5. This myelin is getting on my nerves.

6. “I’m a linguist, so I like ambiguity more than most people.”

7. Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?
He’s 0K now.

8. Your mother is so classless she could be a Marxist utopia.

9. A photon checks into a hotel and the manager asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies “No, I’m travelling light”

10. To understand what recursion is, you must first understand recursion.

11. Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.

12. How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
Ask them to pronounce unionised.

13. Why do programmers confuse Halloween and Christmas?
Because Oct 31 = Dec 25

14. Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, “Give me a glass of H2O.”
The second chemist says, “I’ll have a glass of water too.”
Damn! thinks the first. My murder plot has failed.

15. What’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
I don’t know and I don’t care.

16. If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.

17. What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.

18. A Higgs Boson walks into a church and the priest says, “We don’t allow Higgs Bosons in here”. The Higgs Boson replies, “But without me, how can you have mass?”

19. I sometimes regret that I never learned French, but… such is life.

20. A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”

And a bonus!

21. A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre. So the barman gives her one.

What’s your favourite smartass joke? Add it to the comments below!

Central photo credit: (c) Can Stock Photo / JohanH

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